Before 2007 when I heard that
someone had post traumatic stress I just thought it was just an excuses not to
do something, a way of getting out of everything. I even thought that it only
effected people for a short period of time or sent people crazy, because that’s
what the telly shows! You know what I mean, don’t say you don't!!! "Oh
have you heard her at number 4 has post traumatic stress! Any excuses!" or
your watching some telly, CSI, Criminal Minds and there is a soldier on the loose
with weapon causing panic and the reason for it is post traumatic stress!!
How I was so wrong! Most of the
world, my included until recently are so naive, we live in such sheltered
worlds!
Well I am going to stand up and
say it
“I HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS
DISORDER, DEAL WITH IT, I HAVE TO!!!"
Yes I have been diagnosed by a
professional, well multiple professionals! This blog is going to be my way of
dealing with it, I want to put it all in writing for anyone to see and if they
feel the same then they will understand if no one else does!
The first thing I want to
address is how I got PTSD. I have never wrote down what happened or really
thought about what happened, I have become a robot when people ask and just
mutter of the same thing and never go into detail. Well now I am going to, all
the detail.
Its February 29th 2007 I am
studying in my second year at Marjon in Plymouth to become a secondary
mathematics teacher. I loved it! Loved it all, the group of friends I had, the
place I was living in, the way I was living. I was 300 miles from home, 300
miles away from putting everyone else first. 300 miles meant I could be me, no
one else just me I could do what I wanted when I wanted, be what I wanted. I
know it sounds like a cliché but going to university was like being freed!!
I had just spent a week at a friend’s,
let’s call her Angela, for half term, got a new laptop, all was great. We were
going up to Bristol for a gig at the Carling Academy to see a B list pop star;
I won’t name names as I don’t want a law suit!! We had had nothing to eat all
day but we were having a good time!
We left Bristol at about 11.30pm
(if not later) and headed for Plymouth on the A38, stopping at every, and I
mean EVERY service station to try and get food, but due to the late hour none
was serving any hot food. Would you believe it!! What if you’re a trucker
parking up for the night and want your dinner, well you’re screwed! Just
outside Exeter Angela gave up and got a pasty, I don’t remember her eating it
just buying it because she got it and then we got in the car. As we were
leaving the service station I asked “if she minded me going to sleep?” I was
tired and struggling to keep my eyes open. Then I made the mistake of going to
sleep....
The next thing I hear is a
scream and then we hit a lorry! Oh not any normal lorry oh no a 7 tonne lorry
that is fully laden. Now being the
person I am looking back at that split second when I opened my eyes and see the
lorry I have often wondered what has gone through my mind:
“Crap, Micra Vs Lorry whichever
way you look at it, it’s not going to end well!”
“Well this is it! And you have
nothing to show for it!”
“Put your head between your legs
and kiss your bum goodbye”
Well there I was with a lorry
sat on my knee one minute and then it was gone and I could not feel anything.
Once I finally got my brain to engage I tried to find a phone but could not reach
mine, that was the point that somewhere in my brain I realised I didn’t have
legs and couldn’t move myself. Angela was scramming about blood and when I looked
she had a cut on her hand, I don’t know why, weather it was my upbringing or
what but I just told her to shut up that it was a cut, I was trying to plan a
way out and to a phone for help. But
then I heard voices.....
....my little heroes! It turns
out she had drove into a lorry that was coming out of road works. What luck!!!
They called for help prevented another car hitting us and kept me sane till the
emergency services came. But that time in the car till they got me out will
stick with me forever! I was stuck crushed into the dashboard of a Micra for
what felt like an age, but I think it was more like an hour tops. I had to wait
for Angela to be removed and then let them plan on taking me out of the car.
They decided on taking the windscreen off, the door, the boot and the roof,
then they pulled me out of the dashboard and I was whisked away to Derriford
hospital.
While stuck in that car my mind
was able to pick up enough to disturb me for a very long time! The thing that
hunts me the most is the smell, Yes you heard me correctly the smell! To me it
is the smell burning car, blood broken glass, disinfectant, power tools, oil. It’s
not “bad” smell but a smell that haunts me. Also I while in that car I seen too
much, it would have been better if I had passed out!
Once I got to hospital it was routine
stuff but I was in a bad way! I broke my neck, back, right leg left foot,
smashed my left knee, and had plenty of bruising and nerve damage. That lovely
300 miles had become my worst nightmare as now my parents were not round the
corner but 6 hours away.
..........
Now you know why I have PTSD. Next
time I write I will let you know what PTSD means for me!
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